The last day

There was some confusion today about rather or not Dad would be released tomorrow. Dr. Duncan came in after therapy and told Dad that he wanted his IVC filter taken out before he goes home and that he would need to be monitored for 24 hours after removal. The filter was placed in Idaho Falls as a precautionary measure to prevent the traveling of any blood clots to a vital organ. When it was initially placed we had no idea just how badly it would be needed in Dad's case. Both of my parents were very disappointed that they would not be going home tomorrow as we have been looking forward to this day for a very long time now. Around five o'clock the doctor returned and said that the vascular team had reviewed Dad's most recent ultrasound and did not think it would be safe to remove the filter at this point. He will be following up in 2-3 months with vascular surgery to check the status of his remaining clots. We are praying that his body begins to dissolve those clots as an IVC filter can only be removed within the first six months and keeping it in your body comes with a host of problems of its own. That being said, we certainly do not want to remove it before it is safe to do so and Dad feels more comfortable returning home with it in place.

The short of it... Dad is returning home tomorrow. Our journey as an inpatient hemorrhagic stroke survivor has come to an end. It's surreal to be honest. We have been looking forward to and praying for this day for such a long time and it is suddenly upon us. He is so ready to return home but told me this morning that he is very nervous about people's expectations for him. I think that going back to his life the way he is right now is scary and he is showing some apprehension about his ability to perform his old routine. He is so lucky to have my Mom. Today she learned how to clean and flush his feeding tube. He is no longer using it for nutrients but it needs to be in place for six weeks for healing purposes. Hopefully it will come out within the next few weeks. He is looking forward to going to the eye doctor and while we constantly remind him that he does not necessarily have a problem with his eyes, but the connection between his brain and his eyes, he is hoping they can help in some way. We are just looking forward to losing the press 'n seal glasses.

I am feeling so many emotions about saying goodbye tomorrow. I am over the moon ecstatic about him getting to go home. But I will miss he and my mom so much it makes my heart physically ache. Not seeing his progress and helping where I can will be difficult, but I know my siblings in Idaho will pick up where we have left off.

These last six weeks have been filled with more emotions than I have ever felt in my life. I cannot explain the depths of despair we have reached nor the level of elation. We have witnessed a miracle. I am grateful for the gospel and for the prayers that got us through. I am grateful for the blessings my Dad received from his father and brothers and I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father that spared my Dad. I am in awe at my Mom who displayed more faith than anyone throughout this ordeal and always said 'when he wakes up' even in his bleakest hour. She is a true example of strength and love through trials and I hope I can be half as strong as her someday. I have said it before and will surely say it again but thank YOU. Thanks for the prayers, the calls, the texts, the gifts, the visits, the fasting and the thoughts. They have been received with so much gratitude. People are good and we have felt so much love and support. Lastly, thanks for supporting this blog and the kind words you have shared. Expressing true emotions to people without faces has been difficult for my sisters and I but we have felt such appreciation and love in return. For those of you in Idaho anticipating my Dad's return... Take care of him for me. Please remind him to take it slow and encourage him in his progress. He is so lucky and blessed to have such amazing people in his life. He will recover and he will prevail. After all, we did say from the beginning that this was just a 'stroke of bad luck'.

Another Step in the Journey

(Carlie)
Well as many of you may know, today has been one big day for Dad. He started with his therapies as usual. I only caught the tail end of his morning sessions, but I got the scoop later. Apparently dad has "graduated" out of occupational therapy, if you will. They did this exercise with him today where they had him hide some bean bags around the therapy gym. They told him that he would have to remember where he had placed them, because he would have to retrieve them later. Apparently he did not find this little activity worthy of his time. :) he griped the ENTiRE time about how stupid it was. As it turned out, it was a little stupid. He picked those bean bags back up no problem, one by one. This is great news though, even though Dad thought it was silly. It lets us know that the short term memory issues are getting better, and gives assurance that the progress will continue! After therapy in the afternoon Mom, Dad and I got all geared up for a highly anticipated outing! This was dad's first time outside the hospital in about a month and a half. It is truly hard to believe it has been that long. The U therapy team likes for patients to leave and integrate into the community at least once before discharging. It is good to see how dad will react in crowds, and if his basic skills are still intact. I'm happy to say that he did so wonderful. He got all dressed in his typical uniform (wranglers, button down shirt, and cowboy belt), and I couldn't believe how normal it all seemed. This whole scene brought about some interesting emotion in me. I admit, I cried like a baby when I saw my Dad standing there in his usual attire. I was so relieved, grateful, joyous, and maybe even a little sad all at once. It was so interesting because there was truly a time where I wasn't sure that I would ever see my dad the way I remembered him, again. But even though he looks the same, and sounds the same, I have to remind myself that things will probably never be the same. Let me preface this by saying that I am truly so humbled and grateful by the fact that dad is alive. I would have taken him in absolutely any state. He is doing so amazing and I would never dream of taking that for granted. However, there is a part of me today that realized that life for our family, particularly my Mom and Dad, is probably going to be very different. It is becoming very real because dad is heading home in a mere 48 hours. I worry so much about the adjustment to life once they return home. There is a very selfish part of me that will miss both my parents so deeply. I know that they want to go home, and I am so grateful they are returning to Idaho the way things are, but today I couldn't help but reflect on the past month. I wonder often about what the future will hold. I worry often about my dad and how he is coping with all of these changes in his life. As I was watching him today I couldn't help but feel a little sad that he is dealing with this. I am so aware of the way that things could have gone, but any injury of this magnitude comes with multiple layers of feelings. I am so proud of this man. I am amazed every single day by his attitude and spirit. How was I blessed with 2 of the strongest people I've ever known to raise me? I couldn't hold back a tear as I watched my mother guide dad through the huge dizzying sports store today. It was very indicative of their relationship to me. For so many years he guided her through the storms that life has held. Now I know that she will do the same for him. She will be there to hold him up when he needs just a little extra boost. I can't think of any other person in this world that is better suited to care for my dad and help him continue healing in the comfort of the place he loves most. I am sorry that this post was a little rambling. My parents have been heavy on my mind tonight, and I know that someday I will be so grateful that this blog exists to show us just how far we have all come.

Perspective

It is very easy to become frustrated after a major injury. It is so easy to remember the person you loved and wonder if you will ever get them back. It is even easier to think, "Why us"? and, "How can I ever deal with this horrible plate I have been served?" Even now, amidst all of the miracles we have seen and the amazing process we have made... it is easy to lose sight of of our journey. Looking ahead at the challenges of returning home can be daunting. Listening to Dad talk about riding his Harley and returning to work is a little heart breaking. Constantly reminding him to take his time, slow down and allow himself the summer to heal is an extremely tiresome process. This evening, my Mom and I took a jaunt back down the dark path of the last month. I'm ashamed to say that we have already forgotten. The horrible fear, dark prognoses, and excruciating pain have formed new and vulnerable scabs. We have willingly and gladly moved into the Rehab phase with hope for our future and a promise to accept our "new normal". That being said, revisiting the past has renewed our gratitude and wonder. We will get through this. I am absolutely convinced that Dad will eventually return to his old life, even if it is with slight deficits. The last three weeks have brought with it so much progression and strength. I know that the next three will do the same. I have sat and watched the cursor on my computer flash for five minutes wondering how I could possibly describe my feelings about the two videos below. The first was taken by my Uncle Ryan in the Neuro Critical Care Unit. It shows Dad standing for the first time since his stroke. We were so unbelievably proud. That moment showed such determination, but it also showed just how much this brain bleed had taken from him. As you can see, he is quite vacant and still living somewhere between here and "Limbo Land". 

The second video is Dad in therapy last week. I am so proud of him in this video. His balance is off, yes. He needs support to remain upright, yes. But look at him! He is attempting difficult tasks and remaining determined to complete them. I am happy to report that he is stronger today than he was then. He would still struggle with this particular therapy exercise, but not nearly as much. We have been so unbelievably blessed.

This weekend was great. Dad participated in multiple therapy activities as usual. He even baked a cake, did some dishes and played soccer with my Mom. His diet was upgraded to "general", meaning if you can eat it, so can he. He was moved rooms as he is no longer required to be video monitored. He is going on his first outing to a sports warehouse tomorrow so we can see how he functions in the world and around a crowd of people. He requested that Mom bring his wallet, so he can buy his own lunch. "I don't want to spend any of these people's money". :) Thanks for continuing to follow our journey. It's not over, but we are genuinely SO grateful for where we have been, where we are and where we are going. 

Let's Get Physical!

Dad got some serious cardio in today! Dad is a hard worker, but I've never known him to actually "work out." All of this cardio in physical therapy has got him breaking a mean sweat, especially after being down and out for a month. When I went with him to physical therapy we were able to go outside for a nice little jaunt! It was a beautiful day here in the city, and it was dad's first time walking a distance outside. The therapists really wanted him to get experience walking through different terrains. She intentionally had him moving over bark, rocks, and uneven dirt. This is especially important for dad because of the location of his house, and of course, his occupation. He did really well considering he hasn't been out in 5 weeks. As always, his balance is still a bit of an issue. He still can't walk 100% unassisted consistently. Pretty much the entire issue is balance. He tips to a side very easily, and he just has to be corrected by someone. Also, I am sure that a lot of the balance issue is related to the fact that he sees double! I'd say that would probably throw you off a bit while walking. Dad went really far, clear over to the U of U college of nursing, and school of pharmacy. He walked down and up 2 monstrous hills. I was so proud of him on this unfamiliar terrain! By the time he got up the massive hill, he was sweating and breathing like crazy! I was so pleased to see him working his heart and muscles again. I know it must be doing so much good for his body. Once we got back inside he still wasn't done. (His therapists are really hitting it hard in these last few sessions.) We played this game where the therapist and I stood one in front and one behind dad. He had to throw a big ball to his therapist and then turn around and throw it to me. This is still really tough for him. Going front and backward is very challenging for him balance wise. He was a trooper though, and he pushed himself hard to the very end. He was sweating and downing water like crazy. :) Occupational therapists are still working hard on his logic and problem solving skills. He did so awesome navigating maps today with Michelle. We also did a crossword puzzle that Dad just breezed through. Dad still states that "he doesn't want to go home stupid." This hurts my heart so much. I wish that he knew just how INCREDIBLE his recovery has been, and the limitations most who have had traumatic brain injuries live with forever. The therapist told me that he is doing amazing, and all of the things dad is dealing with are very typical. She says double vision and balance issues are super common. She told me that she sees him improving more and more when he goes home. I think that he is realizing that he may never be like he was. He told me today that he hopes everyone won't expect him to be exactly the same, because some things are harder for him now. I assured him that no one expected him to come back and be 100% the next day. I know that it will be difficult, but I hope that he can embrace his "new normal" and accept that his best is more than enough. A quick funny story about Dad. Che text me the last picture of him and told me that he is now hoarding salt. If you know my Dad, you know that he has always been a REAL salt lover. Because his stroke was hypertensive, he is on a sodium restricting diet. Che said that he opened up his bedside drawer to reveal a bunch of stockpiled salt packages. This guy, he is the limit. :) I got a great laugh out of it. He is the cutest.

Day 39!

I was about to write some snarky comment about how LOnG these 39 days have been, but I was immediately reminded of the family meeting with the neurologist on the heaven forsaken 'day 1' in which we were told it could be weeks or months before dad woke up (if ever). And look at us now! 39 days and headed home next Wednesday. Perspective, it's a beautiful thing. Rehab was status quo today. They are working him so hard lately. His days start at 7:30 and end around 4:00. After therapy today my Mom helped him to take a shower and shave his face. She is worried his hygiene will be lacking after this as he never wants to shower (but would you if some stranger followed you in every time?) He had a great attitude about it today though and I can see he is regaining some pride in his independence. Somehow I was even convinced to help cut his toenails, which is really saying something because 1) i hate feet more than anything and 2) my dad's feet are among the grossest I have ever seen. Mom has been so amazing through this process. She literally sits with him for 10-11 hours a day, cheers him through therapy, takes him to the bathroom, helps him shower and provides him with constant reassurance and love.

The doctors found a new infection starting around his feeding tube so they will be adding an antibiotic and running blood cultures to ensure this is not a big problem. Although eating entirely by mouth now (hooray for mechanical soft foods!) the feeding tube must be in place for 6 weeks for proper healing. By my calculations, this means we are at least three weeks away from removal. Tomorrow they want to take him for a walk outside. I am excited for him to see the sunshine again and breathe some fresh air.

We are all looking forward to next week. Dad is far less critical and much more independent. We are providing extra supports to ensure his safety at home (railings and such) but I know his healing will continue for months and even years.

Balance and blood clots

Today's main focus in therapy was Dad's balance. In his hurry to complete tasks, he tends to lose his center and often tips one way or the other. Luckily, someone is always by his side but we are very aware this will not always be the case. They are doing many exercises with him including making him walk sideways on a board while stepping over cones. Dad exclaimed many times throughout the routine 'I couldn't do this before the stroke!' It was clear once he got started though that it was beneficial to him. He struggled a lot with standing upright but improved each time they made him do it. Dad got a little frustrated after that and said he didn't want the therapists to tell the doctors that he wasn't doing a good job. His therapist assured him repeatedly that the routines are getting much harder for a reason and that if they continued to do the things that he is already good at he would plateau and stop making progress. That seems to appease him for a little while at least.

They came to scan his blood clots again today and found that they are largely the same. He has developed some new clotting in his right leg but the clots are aging and becoming more adhered to the vessel wall. This greatly decreases the chance of them dislodging and becoming a life threatening situation. We are grateful for this and hope that his body will start to degrade them over time. If not, we will deal with those as needed.

The double vision continues to be of great concern for Dad and he is convinced his balance would be greatly improved if he could see ( which I'm sure is true ). The doctors made him an appointment with a neuroopthomolgist to assess what can be done about the problem and to give us a better idea of the prognosis for his long term eye sight.

Dad is doing so amazing. Of course we are dealing with some discouraging deficits, but we are so aware of the many different ways this could have ended and we know there is much healing to be had in time. Dad and I discussed the last month at length today and I think he is just starting to understanding the grave nature of his brain bleed. He is so grateful to be alive and is so determined to return to his normal function. He is very aware of this blog and the support we have received through it. We have read some comments together and he is so appreciative of the support that has been shown not only to him but to his family. Thank you, genuinely. Our family will be forever grateful to everyone who has prayed, fasted, called, texted, sent treats or even positive thoughts our way. It has made a world of difference.

Slow Down

This is Cortney tonight. I got the opportunity to go to rehab today with Dad. We started the day with occupational therapy where our motto for the day began "Slow down." Dad gets in a big hurry with his therapies which is when he starts to fumble and make mistakes. Although, Dad had some very hard challenges today in therapy, and he did extremely well. Throughout the day he made a grocery list, booked airline tickets (for pretend), stepped over cones, walked like crazy, took four flights of stairs, did lunges, and rode 3/4 a mile on a stationary bike. After every therapy session he would look at me and ask "how did I do?" I would reassure him he was doing amazing. By the end I was exhausted by watching him and requested a diet coke break! He is still a little wobbly and veers to the right, but is improving everyday with walking.

Dad also had some exciting news today when the speech therapist told him he could move up to the next diet level. This includes more solid foods, and will widen his variety. They also discontinued all tube feedings. So he is officially not relying on any tube!!! Although, the feeding tube has to stay in for four more weeks for it to heal properly when removed.

All in all Dad had a great day. His neuro doctors came to pay him a visit this afternoon, and walked out at first thinking they had the wrong man. They were amazed at his progress, and I think this was very encouraging to him. He is very anxious to get home, and start his new normal. He is still very concerned he will be dumb, and I keep reminding him not to worry he is a genius!!

Feast, Family, Love

Today has been a great day for Dad and the family. I had planned on making Dad a nice big Sunday meal all week. I brought over some mashed potatoes, bread pudding, and rolls for him to eat while he watched Conference. I was pleasantly surprised to find Cortney waiting when I walked in! She decided to sneak down with Max and spend the day here with us. I wasn't sure if he would be very hungry since it was only a few hours after lunch. Oh boy-- one whiff of good old Idaho spuds and he was demanding that we pour that gravy on, and give him a fork! He ate with very flattering enthusiasm. (I don't think he would enjoy my cooking so much if he hasn't had a decent meal in more than a month.) Oh well, I'll take it while it lasts! :) While he was eating we got even more pleasantly surprising visitors! Cade and Katie brought their family for the weekend. My aunt Lisa and her husband Dave are also in town for a quick visit. We have recently been taking a little bit of heat from the nursing staff here about visitors. Because we are such a large family, and Dad is such a magnetic type of person, there always seems to be someone in and out of his room. This is a little unsettling for the nursing staff because of the type of injuries Dad has. I know that they are worried about us overstimulating his brain. Although I see the logic, and I have been taught about this very thing in school, I can't help but look around today and think that this is doing more for my Dad than any medical intervention ever could. He is literally surrounded on every side by people who love and adore him. He has been cheered on, prayed for, cried over, and loved harder than anyone I know. I am so grateful for all these wonderful people in the room today, and the countless others cheering him on from a distance. I know it has really made the difference for him. He seems to come alive around his visitors. He and my Mom are quick to take up their witty banter right where it left off. (The Bickerson's as I lovingly refer to them.) :) He cracks jokes, and talks about his long future when he gets back to farmin'. For the first time in months, things almost seem normal. We are not plagued by the nagging elephant in the room when we talk. We do not have to feel guilty for laughing any joking around Dad. He is laughing right along with us. Dad gets a day off from therapy on Sundays, so he will be free to visit until he is tuckered out and needs a nap! I am sorry if this blog is becoming a little monotonous. It is hard not to repeat my gratitude and happy feelings over and over. I am struggling not to shout from the rooftops how much I love this man, and this family. Happy Sunday all! Hope yours was as enjoyable as the Crapo's. Tomorrow we will be back at it in therapy. And we are hoping for a little outing with Dad in the next coming week now that he is IV free!

Serious Progress

I came into dad's room this morning to find he and my Mom watching the Saturday morning Conference session. I sat with them until dad had therapy before lunch. During his physical therapy the aide walked him around the unit several times. I haven't seen dad walk very frequently, and I was completely amazed. He is walking almost entirely by himself. The aide just offers one hand for support when necessary. The aide would tell dad to look right, left, up and down while he was walking. I noticed that he got a little off balance when he looks to the right. He still seems to prefer that left side a bit. Dad's therapist commented on how much dad has improved just from yesterday. He said that he believes dad will be walking on his own very soon. My mom and I were so elated with this news. Walking has been a major concern for us since dad began waking up. We couldn't help but notice the other patients around us as dad was doing his exercises. Mom and I commented on how amazing his capabilities are. We are very aware of the limitations that dad could have had, and we are so very very relieved and grateful by what he is doing everyday! Dad continues to have a nice healthy appetite. Though I will say, hospital food is not exactly the caliber of cooking he is used to. :) Even so, I have yet to hear him complain. My mom said that he gobbled up his tuna sandwich and soup today with no problem. And he loved his eggs and fruit for breakfast. I think that being able to eat and discontinue the tube feedings have really done wonders for dad in therapy. He is becoming more physically and mentally strong after overcoming that very important hurdle of food. In other fantastic news, dad is no longer on the heparin drip! The doctors rounded shortly before lunch and ok'd the discontinuation of the constant drip. This, along with the absence of the tube feedings, means that dad can walk around freely now! We are all so happy to get rid of the darn IV pole and pump that we have been dragging for weeks. As I thought back to the first few days of this mess, I remembered the double row of IV pumps that Dad needed just to stay alive in Idaho Falls. It's just another physical testament to how far his body has come. Dad continues to have a good attitude today. He seems to be a lot less grumpy, and I think he recognizes that he is doing so much better. He seems to be as encouraged as we are by his progress. I hope everyone is enjoying conference. I know that I have never felt so faithful and grateful to my loving Heavenly Father, or excited to hear the messages of our apostles.

Another Day in Paradise

Hello there everyone. This is Carlie again. Ill be posting for the next few days. Today has been a day much like any other here in rehab. Therapy went quite well this morning. Dad is doing more and more for himself every single day. Looking at him today, I notice that his increased strength is becoming visibly evident. He has muscle tone in his arms and legs, and it is obvious in his more purposeful movements. It is truly amazing how fast atrophy of the muscles took place when Dad got sick. Sadly, it is a lot harder to get back than it was to lose it! Physical therapy has been working Dad very hard to regain his balance. Sometimes they really push, but it's so worth it to see the improvement in his mobility! He has been working on walking a lot, and he needs less and less help all the time. He is going longer distances with each session as well. Today he is planning on braving the crowds in the main lobby of the hospital (we know how much Dad loves those Utah crowds!) The only problem with all this increased movement is that he thinks he is a little steadier on his feet than he is. his wrist band for the hospital states that he is a fall risk because he is a "little impulsive." (That is a bit of an understatement.) We will definitely need to work on getting him to slow down a bit. :) He is also working hard on cognition and problem solving exercises. He is doing exercises and games that are meant to strengthen his critical thinking. I have to say, some of the things he was doing would have been difficult for me! He is really making huge strides. He did tell his occupational therapist that he wants to be doing exercises on his 4-wheeler. Oddly enough, she said she couldn't deliver. :) Being able to eat has made Dad a chipper fellow the last day or two! He was finally served mashed potatoes and gravy at lunch today! They came with puréed corn and some sort of mystery meat loaf. He is such a good sport and tried everything on his plate. His comment... "Whew, that meatloaf is horrible!" Che and I got a good chuckle out of it. It's nice to know that he is still pretty hilarious. He also got ice cream with the meal. By the time he got to it, though, he said it was mostly cream. Oh well, it was delicious creamy sugar either way! I promised him a nice, proper, non-mystery meat Sunday feast for conference this weekend. All in all, I couldn't be more proud of my Dad. I am amazed by his great attitude and his willingness to give this his all. He is very motivated to get home, but I think he realizes that this is very necessary for a great outcome once he gets there. The same can be said for my amazing mom. She has been there all day every day since the second this happened. My dad never wants her to go, and he always requests that she stays and takes care of him over anyone else. They're really in this together. I'm so glad I have them, and that they have each other.