I wish I could adequately describe my Dad's personality right now. Let me first say that I legitimately respect my Dad more than anyone in the world. His opinions and input have always been extremely important to me. So at the risk of sounding belittling: he is very child like. We need to explain things multiple times, correct simple errors and analyze small concepts. We go over the same things multiple times and still cannot seem to satisfy his need for answers. He is forgetful and unamused, yet he seems to be accepting of what has happened to him and can retell the story of his stroke in detail. He recalls the pain and how scared he was that he would not survive when the realization of his reality set in. Then everything went black.
He has been in his dark, sedated and confused place for one month, but he is starting to see the light. Dad's waking has been a beautiful and celebratory miracle for us, yet it has been filled with lots of sadness for him. He spends lots of time deep in thought and has taken to an old habit we watched for countless hours by my Great Grandma Vida. When she lived with us, we would lose her for periods of time. She would block out conversation, her eyes would fill with sadness and she would rub her fingers over her eyebrow. Ironically, my Mom silently pointed to my Dad today and I watched him do this all too familiar action. I know this is sad for him. He has been robbed of his independence and dignity. His self respect is threatened and he is feeling the horrible 'what ifs' for his future.
Today, while we were at dinner he convinced himself he could get to the cafeteria to be with us and fell in the process. I feel so saddened by this, not only because it was physically painful for him, but because I can only imagine the words he was saying to himself when he failed.
Rehab is difficult. It is a process full of hope and recovery, but the road to independence is long and rocky. Dad saw the sun today for the first time in four weeks. I know he was thinking about his farm and his life while sitting in his wheelchair and I hope he knows that that life is not over. It's not gone. It's just a lot of hard work away.
I'm excited for Judd on the leaps and bounds of his progress. I pray for him and your whole family for the strength that is needed to make it through this curve in life that your family is going through. You all will be blessed for this trial in your life and the family Unity That has grown tenfold is ever so great.
ReplyDeleteYour dad looks good in his John Deere shirt! Tell him hi from John.
Thanks Che'. It is a good reminder for me that while there have been so many miracles to this point, it is still important to remember your dad in our prayers. And your mom and you kids. So we will continue to do so. Thanks for your updates. And if you ever need a sitter, Hannah would love to help out. You are all in our prayers!
ReplyDeleteAmazing progress and stay positive. Some days I have a hard time reading this because I know the journey is hard. We care and we love you and we pray for you. Miracles have come and prayers will still be answered. Enjoy the sunshine....from Bruce and Gracie Hill
ReplyDeleteThis journey is NOT easy, but that's what it is....A Journey! Filled with ups and downs and no one can truly understand what your Dad is feeling and thinking except for him. The family has the hard part of having to watch and feeling helpless to make it better. BUT, with "Time & Patience" each and everyday things will continue to get better. Life changing YES, but luckily not life ending. Judd, please know that you fight each day for YOU! You fight each day for your FAMILY! Life has to move forward and you can and will do this. Its just your "New Normal" and this whole process takes time. So give yourself a break. You are working probably the hardest you've ever had to work in your life, both mind and body. One day at a time my friend. May God continue to bless you all through your journey.
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