Emotions

I feel we are entering a new chapter of The Stroke of Bad Luck. The first chapter was filled with emotional anguish, ugly questions, dismal prognosis and unearthly fear. This chapter is clearly being written by the same morbid author. The language of fear and uncertainty is the same, but a new character has joined the cast: Dad's emotions.

For over two weeks now my family has mourned my Dad and been forced to face this new reality. In fact, whenever a new patient is brought to the NCCU, we say 'Oh my goodness, at least we are not on day one!' Well, my Dad is on day one. He is just becoming alert enough to realize this horrific nightmare is real, and his physical limitations are terrifying. My dad is a kind and compassionate husband and father. He parents with love and affection. Because of this, it has been difficult to watch him in his current state. He is unable to communicate for the most part and is not interested in engaging with visitors. We are not sure how lucid he really is and we have to keep reminding each other that his constant rebuffs are not personal. It is not his job to provide validation for our insecurities and he needs us to be strong and provide reassurance.

Physical therapy is going well. They are going very slowly as he tires easily and needs lots of energy to breathe. They take him off the ventilator and allow him to breathe with supplemental oxygen only. Today his succeeded in this trial for 8 hours before tiring. It is becoming very clear that his right side has been more affected by this ugly monster. He has much more difficulty moving his right arm and his face is noticeably droopy on that side. This is resulting in a very uncharacteristic frown. We know this can all be improved with rehab and we are preparing ourselves for that journey.

They have been running the anticoagulant drip for two days now. A recent conversation with his neurologist clarified that this will most likely not treat the clots he already has, but will prevent the formation of additional ones. The hope is that his body will eventually break up the clots. If this doesn't happen, we will deal with that issue at a later time. His vital signs have been very stable although he does have high blood pressure. He is maintaining his temperature on his own which is an amazing blessing as the heating and cooling process caused him much duress.

While the emotions we are dealing with now have changed, they are not any less real. The overwhelming fear is always present and the uncertainty plagues me. Will this man ever smile like my Dad? Will he love, work, play, and hug me like my Dad? These questions can only be answered with time and hard work. And while I am still praying for physical healing, I am mostly praying for comfort, peace and strength for my Dad as he is forced to accept his new reality and limitations. I miss him. I miss the man he was so much it physically hurts inside. But I know he is still in there somewhere and I know he can overcome these difficult and devastating emotions to come back to me.